Things change

I'd like to touch on a touchy subject. Stupid I know. 
I wanted to hear from some other people about there choice in religion/beliefs and what led you where you are today.
I'll go first.
My husband & I were both brought up in semi-religious homes. My family went to church every Sunday. Without ever having to option not to go, it never seemed like a chore. We prayed before dinner & bed. 
That was about the extent of it. Episcopal was our church of choice, well my moms church of choice as we didn't have a choice. We were confirmed in the church and did all of the fun Sunday school and youth stuff they had to offer. That is pretty much the only time religion played any part in our lives, church & church functions once or twice a month. As I got older and naturally started resisting what my parents wanted me to do, I stopped going to church. For no reason other than I don't like getting up early. 
When I went to college I was quickly swept in to the different crowd, shocker right? I started hanging around the philosophers & decided I would take a religion class from one cool dude. (What's up Patton)!! Man this class made my head spin! He immediately had the class show hands if they believed in God. I didn't raise my hand, & I'm glad I didn't because he made them leave class. 2 people. I felt like I fit in right then. Just by not raising my hand. 
My mind was open.
As we started to explore religion, its origination, and science, I stood firm in not believing in God. I saw only black & white. If I can't feel it or touch it is isn't real. After countless religion courses (every one they offered ended up being enough to minor in it), I still loved learning about it, just didn't think it (God) was real (for me).
Still don't.
Even having a child, to me, hasn't changed this. 
Reproducing (in my opinion) is science. 

. . .
Then things got weird. My husband & I have often talked about bringing the "church" aspect into Scarlets life because it was a big part of our lives growing up. Don't get me wrong, we were still awful, disrespectful, twits as teenagers, but we both agreed that the time spent there helped mould us into who we are now. It gave us structure, we learned respect, whether I believe or not I will ALWAYS honor my Mother & Father. Not saying that I always did :)
We made life long friends there. Got my first job there (nursery)! And learned a lot.
So I have really been thinking about taking her to church. I had a lot of anxiety for months before I finally bit the bullet. 
All I could think about was people wanting to have dinners & there not being alcohol & me accidentally dropping a *f* bomb in front of the sweet lady passing me the peas. Yeah all that shit matters to me. I may be crude & inappropriate but you will never see me cuss an old lady (or man for that matter;).
Next step would be finding a church/temple/mosque that I was comfortable in. Cause lezbehonest - My comfort is what really matters. 
I found several ones online & through word of mouth that looked open, friendly, & welcoming. Still didn't go. Talked it up to John, made plans, didn't follow through.
Still nervous.
Not to long ago a friend asked me if I would go with her & her daughter. The anxiety came sweeping in again. 
Side note: I am not joking about the anxiety thing. I had to go to a psychologist as a teen b/c church (& other similar situations like the movies) gave me anxiety attacks. I literally couldn't sit through service without throwing up. I would get hot & shaky & dizzy. 
So I wanted to go, but I couldn't. I asked her if we could maybe go to the one I used to go to when I was little. Maybe it would be easier.
We went to 9 o'clock service. We walked in & yes I was shaking. Once I saw my mom the nerves went away because I knew I was there for me. Not because she made me. 
Once I saw the grown children that I used to baby sit sitting next to their parents, it fizzled even more. 
Within minutes, I was sitting comfortably thinking about when I was younger (like 5) and would sit there by my mom. She would let me hold her hand & play with her rings. She would hand me peppermint after peppermint to keep me quiet. 
She needed me there for her, and now I want Scarlet there for me. I want that special time with my girl. She goes to the nursery now, but man I couldn't stop thinking about her being a couple years older, her dad is at the hunting club, & me & my special girl are sitting hand it hand. While I may be day dreaming because I really don't care what they are saying, it still makes my heart full. I still stand & sing because it's pretty & I like the choir. I still take Scarlet up for communion even though I don't participate, because she likes it, & it is special to her. It used to make me feel so grown up to go up for communion. 
I don't know if things will change. No one does. But I do know that church is good for me, probably in a WHOLE different way then most people, but good for me. 
I hope she feels the same.


If you hate your job

If you hate your job I strongly advise you to look into finding another one.  I know, easier said than done right? I've recently been made aware of a profession that just can't seem to make anyone happy.  Pharmacist. Has anyone ever met a pharmacist that just loves there job? If so where, so I can go there. Hey pharmacist, I know you work hard long hours, so does the rest of America. I know you went to school for a very long time but you chose that path, not me. I have no sympathy for your chosen career. If you don't like it, change it.  But let me tell you a little something first. You are equally as important as a doctor, a heart surgeon, an oncologist. You can make people live or die. You get that right? When a patient needs his pacemaker medicine (<--- does that even exist?) filled you fill it in a timely manner, you know, so HE. WON'T. DIE. Well you know what else is important? That pediatrician that called in the Bromfed cough syrup for a 2 year old patient. No, your right, a 2 year old certainly won't die from a cough but you bet your ass her mom could very feasibly kill herself, the dad or the kid at 3 am after waking up 47 times to pat the coughing kid back to sleep because the asshole at the pharmacy "forgot" to fax the prescription to the other pharmacy because they were out of syrup. Bam. Just like that you are responsible for 3 lives, making you almost MORE important than the surgeon cause they most certainly never operate on 3 people at once. I just need to get somethings off my chest here. When I call to ask if I should just come get the prescription to take it to another pharmacy and the lazy tech tells me "sho, it prolly be quicka if you come up hea and get it yoself cuz I ain't had time to fax it" something is not right. After I wait in a pharmacy drive thru for 20 minutes cause I am bra-less in my pjs trying to get my kid meds before bed and other assistant says "oh you can't ha dis cause it was a email, it ain't a written one, I can send it now but it gon take a minute" I look over and see the actual pharmacist, the lifesaver, standing there tap tap tapping away at her iphone screen...Oh cool, glad you have a spare minute there buddy, wanna grab a drink while we wait on this bitch to fax my kids script or you want to MANAGE YOUR TEAM and fill the fucking prescription. RAH. I don't get it. I just don't get it. It took me 4 HOURS from the time CVS received my prescription to fill it. FOUR. After I got the medcine (from another pharmacy across town at 8 pm) I rushed home to administer. Wouldn't you know. Had the opposite effect on her. She instantly turned into a 30 lb meth head, chattering and turning flips in her bed. All night long. You definitely didn't save my life pharmacist. Maybe you should go into something a little bit more laid back, a little bit more enjoyable, you know like a cashier or grocery bagger. Just trying to help out.

*This seriously happened 2 weeks ago but I had to make a note to blog it once I came off of that ledge I was about to jump from. No sleep for a week does something funny to you.
*Abby, I am sure Neal is a pleasant pharmacist but I can't drive to Opp for cough syrup :)


I would be famous

If I wrote a book on how to raise (& not raise) your child(ren). Yep, I am that knowledgeable. So in honor of my great knowledge I thought I would let you on some secrets.

When you come home from the hospital you will be flooded with all sorts of emotions. Good ones & bad ones. You will be hormonal, bitchy, happy, tired, in pain, & hungry. Be sure there is a healthy amount of wine in the house upon your arrival & a husband/partner/helper. You always see & hear about people sleeping with their kids, or having them in the room. This is a terrible idea. Babies are loud. You will already be sleeping like shit for many reasons. 1 being the beast next to you sawing logs while you try to listen & be sure new baby is still breathing. The last thing you need is that baby snorting, grunting, sneezing, & crying. Trust me, there will be crying. Put the kid in their own room, in their crib. Feed it in there, change it in there, & run your ass back to bed because you WILL be up 3 hours later if not sooner. Turn up the monitor so you can hear the baby over the husband and try to get some rest. You may be on cloud 9 those first few nights and actually enjoy getting up but once exhaustion catches up to you (& it will) you will need to reinforce the husband sharing duties. If you breast feed, pump off and on through out the day so the dude can help at night. Yeah he may go to work but guess what, you just pushed a human out of your body. Think about that. You win. Never hurts to remind him when he complains about a long day either.

On eating. Feed your kid. Whether it is breast milk or formula doesn't matter. As long as they have one or the other they will have what it takes to grow & thrive, the only other thing they need is love. Don't get down on your self if you can't breast feed or if you just don't feel like it. It's ok. You aren't failing anyone if a glass of wine or 4 sounds better than a tiny vampire suckling your nipple, that's normal. Your baby can and will survive on either one. Don't feed them baby food. It is a waste of money & a crock of messy, smelly, shit. Wait until they can sit up & are interested in what you eat & share it with them. They will gag, choke, and more than likely eat a lot more exciting food unlike those babies that eat plain mush for years because mom is scared it will choke because they don't have teeth. Old people chew food with their gums, why can't babies? Think about it. Also saves money & time when you can just feed the kid what you eat for dinner, no short order cooks here. I suggest reading into Baby led weaning.

Try to refrain from buying toys. Ever. If you must buy them, search at consignment sales & clean them. It is a proven fact that they will not like the toy in less than 24 hours so that Dora doll you just spent $36 on, yep, might as well have flushed the money. (Or gone to the casino, same thing). If a toy is awesome at a friends house you can believe it will be way less awesome at your own house. These are proven facts guys, Google it.

Do not get new carpet or furniture at any point when children are living in your home. It will be destroyed. Whether it be marker, peanut butter, or that sharpie your idiot husband left on the counter, it all stains. Best bet is to do a Ikea decor and remodel when the parasites go to college but alas, don't be fooled, they will probably move back in for a year or two after college so be prepared. Also do not allow stickers in your house. They serve no purpose and mess shit up. Why pay for a piece of sticky paper that you remove and stick on another piece of non sticky paper. That shit is dumb & really hard to scrape off of walls, toilet seats, & flat screen t.v.'s. Same goes for crayons, only allow them while naked & outside.

Some baby shit is worth spending  a good bit of money on but most of it is not.
A crib & a pack in play, you need both & they don't need to be fancy. You can get used pack n plays all day on craigslist.
A rocking chair, again you need one but those bitches are expensive. I found a comfy, cheap one at wal-mart.
A changing table is a waste of money. Either put a changing pad on top of a waist level dresser or change on the bed, floor, or couch. Trust me, just because you spent all of that time hanging the cutesy bull shit above it, it will have to be moved by the time they can focus their eyes that far and you're senile if you think you will be walking your post-partum ass back to their bedroom to change them when they shit up their back in the living room. Truth.
A good high chair. This is where the money needs to be spent. Do not get one with a cushion. They have crevices. Crevices that hold spaghetti sauce, cheerios, & all of the gross left over junk you WILL find in the high chair. Hot dogs bites crystallize turning into the items your baby can actually choke & die on. I highly recommend the Boon Flair. Easy to use, easy to clean.
A good stroller & car seat combo. We have this one with only the car seat, base, & stroller. Worked great for an infant and the stroller still works great for a toddler. No need to buy an umbrella stroller because without the car seat that is essentially what it is.
Playrooms are stupid and kids don't play in them. Trust. We no longer have a dining room, we have a playroom. It is simply a storage unit for all of the shit toys she doesn't play with. They will be under your feet crying, begging to help, or happily playing your iPad while sitting in your lap cause HELL NO do you let a toddler take off with an iPad.
Dr. Browns bottles. All the rage, but stupid. What kind of asshole would create something for a baby that would require the mother (who just grew & birthed a human) to have more shit to clean?! Everyone knows a husband is not about to take a part a 16 piece bottle. We used drop ins for our "colicky" baby and they did the trick. Plus they are cheap.
Cloth diapers are good shit if you can get everyone on board. (All caregivers). If not, you are still buying both and wasting money. We did this for awhile and saved a bit of money, plus they have a great re-sale value.

Now that you have this wealth of info you can move forward and reproduce. See ya at my book signing :)


Shit I don't get v.1

Here is a current list of shit that I think is stupid.
  • Car monogram stickers

Ok guys help me out here. Please enlighten me as to WHY you need your initials on your car? Why? No one can give me a valid reason. When out looking for your Honda Pilot in the sea of cars at the mall does this curly font monogram help determine which is yours? Are there really SO many cars like yours that you must have your initials on it? These are stupid & if you have one, you are too.
  • Car family stickers
Sticking with the theme. Do I even need to elaborate here?  Hey look, I have a husband, 3 school age children, a baby, 2 cats & a dog AND a baby bump!  Oh & in case you needed to know, we are all Auburn fans and I love tennis.  AND my initials are right over there next to my lil' fam . . . Well if this isn't a kidnapper target I don't know what is.  You know what those creeps in white, windowless vans think when they see these stickers?  (high fives fellow kidnapper) "Dude, do you see that hot bitch in the Suburban? Let's get her!  3 kids & she's pregnant! Win. We can make hella money off 3 kids & a pregnant lady! Oh look, her initials are DJR, bet her name is Deanna or Darcy, I like Darcy, what should we call her?" Other smarter kidnapper, "Fuck this man, I don't want 3 kids I'm out. And dude, her name is probably dumbass."

  • Political facebook & twitter posts.
No, just no. I do not care that you watched the DNC while I watched Teen Mom. I do not care what you think about it. No one does. 

Also, these e cards make me stabby.  They were funny for 10 minutes.