Things change

I'd like to touch on a touchy subject. Stupid I know. 

I wanted to hear from some other people about there choice in religion/beliefs and what led you where you are today.

I'll go first.

My husband & I were both brought up in semi-religious homes. My family went to church every Sunday. Without ever having to option not to go, it never seemed like a chore. We prayed before dinner & bed. 

That was about the extent of it. Episcopal was our church of choice, well my moms church of choice as we didn't have a choice. We were confirmed in the church and did all of the fun Sunday school and youth stuff they had to offer. That is pretty much the only time religion played any part in our lives, church & church functions once or twice a month. As I got older and naturally started resisting what my parents wanted me to do, I stopped going to church. For no reason other than I don't like getting up early. 

When I went to college I was quickly swept in to the different crowd, shocker right? I started hanging around the philosophers & decided I would take a religion class from one cool dude. (What's up Patton)!! Man this class made my head spin! He immediately had the class show hands if they believed in God. I didn't raise my hand, & I'm glad I didn't because he made them leave class. 2 people. I felt like I fit in right then. Just by not raising my hand. 

My mind was open.

As we started to explore religion, its origination, and science, I stood firm in not believing in God. I saw only black & white. If I can't feel it or touch it is isn't real. After countless religion courses (every one they offered ended up being enough to minor in it), I still loved learning about it, just didn't think it (God) was real (for me).

Still don't.

Even having a child, to me, hasn't changed this. 

Reproducing (in my opinion) is science. 

. . .

Then things got weird. My husband & I have often talked about bringing the "church" aspect into Scarlets life because it was a big part of our lives growing up. Don't get me wrong, we were still awful, disrespectful, twits as teenagers, but we both agreed that the time spent there helped mould us into who we are now. It gave us structure, we learned respect, whether I believe or not I will ALWAYS honor my Mother & Father. Not saying that I always did :)

We made life long friends there. Got my first job there (nursery)! And learned a lot.

So I have really been thinking about taking her to church. I had a lot of anxiety for months before I finally bit the bullet. 

All I could think about was people wanting to have dinners & there not being alcohol & me accidentally dropping a *f* bomb in front of the sweet lady passing me the peas. Yeah all that shit matters to me. I may be crude & inappropriate but you will never see me cuss an old lady (or man for that matter;).

Next step would be finding a church/temple/mosque that I was comfortable in. Cause lezbehonest - My comfort is what really matters. 

I found several ones online & through word of mouth that looked open, friendly, & welcoming. Still didn't go. Talked it up to John, made plans, didn't follow through.

Still nervous.

Not to long ago a friend asked me if I would go with her & her daughter. The anxiety came sweeping in again. 

Side note: I am not joking about the anxiety thing. I had to go to a psychologist as a teen b/c church (& other similar situations like the movies) gave me anxiety attacks. I literally couldn't sit through service without throwing up. I would get hot & shaky & dizzy. 

So I wanted to go, but I couldn't. I asked her if we could maybe go to the one I used to go to when I was little. Maybe it would be easier.

We went to 9 o'clock service. We walked in & yes I was shaking. Once I saw my mom the nerves went away because I knew I was there for me. Not because she made me. 

Once I saw the grown children that I used to baby sit sitting next to their parents, it fizzled even more. 

Within minutes, I was sitting comfortably thinking about when I was younger (like 5) and would sit there by my mom. She would let me hold her hand & play with her rings. She would hand me peppermint after peppermint to keep me quiet. 

She needed me there for her, and now I want Scarlet there for me. I want that special time with my girl. She goes to the nursery now, but man I couldn't stop thinking about her being a couple years older, her dad is at the hunting club, & me & my special girl are sitting hand it hand. While I may be day dreaming because I really don't care what they are saying, it still makes my heart full. I still stand & sing because it's pretty & I like the choir. I still take Scarlet up for communion even though I don't participate, because she likes it, & it is special to her. It used to make me feel so grown up to go up for communion. 

I don't know if things will change. No one does. But I do know that church is good for me, probably in a WHOLE different way then most people, but good for me. 

I hope she feels the same.