Things change

I'd like to touch on a touchy subject. Stupid I know. 
I wanted to hear from some other people about there choice in religion/beliefs and what led you where you are today.
I'll go first.
My husband & I were both brought up in semi-religious homes. My family went to church every Sunday. Without ever having to option not to go, it never seemed like a chore. We prayed before dinner & bed. 
That was about the extent of it. Episcopal was our church of choice, well my moms church of choice as we didn't have a choice. We were confirmed in the church and did all of the fun Sunday school and youth stuff they had to offer. That is pretty much the only time religion played any part in our lives, church & church functions once or twice a month. As I got older and naturally started resisting what my parents wanted me to do, I stopped going to church. For no reason other than I don't like getting up early. 
When I went to college I was quickly swept in to the different crowd, shocker right? I started hanging around the philosophers & decided I would take a religion class from one cool dude. (What's up Patton)!! Man this class made my head spin! He immediately had the class show hands if they believed in God. I didn't raise my hand, & I'm glad I didn't because he made them leave class. 2 people. I felt like I fit in right then. Just by not raising my hand. 
My mind was open.
As we started to explore religion, its origination, and science, I stood firm in not believing in God. I saw only black & white. If I can't feel it or touch it is isn't real. After countless religion courses (every one they offered ended up being enough to minor in it), I still loved learning about it, just didn't think it (God) was real (for me).
Still don't.
Even having a child, to me, hasn't changed this. 
Reproducing (in my opinion) is science. 

. . .
Then things got weird. My husband & I have often talked about bringing the "church" aspect into Scarlets life because it was a big part of our lives growing up. Don't get me wrong, we were still awful, disrespectful, twits as teenagers, but we both agreed that the time spent there helped mould us into who we are now. It gave us structure, we learned respect, whether I believe or not I will ALWAYS honor my Mother & Father. Not saying that I always did :)
We made life long friends there. Got my first job there (nursery)! And learned a lot.
So I have really been thinking about taking her to church. I had a lot of anxiety for months before I finally bit the bullet. 
All I could think about was people wanting to have dinners & there not being alcohol & me accidentally dropping a *f* bomb in front of the sweet lady passing me the peas. Yeah all that shit matters to me. I may be crude & inappropriate but you will never see me cuss an old lady (or man for that matter;).
Next step would be finding a church/temple/mosque that I was comfortable in. Cause lezbehonest - My comfort is what really matters. 
I found several ones online & through word of mouth that looked open, friendly, & welcoming. Still didn't go. Talked it up to John, made plans, didn't follow through.
Still nervous.
Not to long ago a friend asked me if I would go with her & her daughter. The anxiety came sweeping in again. 
Side note: I am not joking about the anxiety thing. I had to go to a psychologist as a teen b/c church (& other similar situations like the movies) gave me anxiety attacks. I literally couldn't sit through service without throwing up. I would get hot & shaky & dizzy. 
So I wanted to go, but I couldn't. I asked her if we could maybe go to the one I used to go to when I was little. Maybe it would be easier.
We went to 9 o'clock service. We walked in & yes I was shaking. Once I saw my mom the nerves went away because I knew I was there for me. Not because she made me. 
Once I saw the grown children that I used to baby sit sitting next to their parents, it fizzled even more. 
Within minutes, I was sitting comfortably thinking about when I was younger (like 5) and would sit there by my mom. She would let me hold her hand & play with her rings. She would hand me peppermint after peppermint to keep me quiet. 
She needed me there for her, and now I want Scarlet there for me. I want that special time with my girl. She goes to the nursery now, but man I couldn't stop thinking about her being a couple years older, her dad is at the hunting club, & me & my special girl are sitting hand it hand. While I may be day dreaming because I really don't care what they are saying, it still makes my heart full. I still stand & sing because it's pretty & I like the choir. I still take Scarlet up for communion even though I don't participate, because she likes it, & it is special to her. It used to make me feel so grown up to go up for communion. 
I don't know if things will change. No one does. But I do know that church is good for me, probably in a WHOLE different way then most people, but good for me. 
I hope she feels the same.


  1. I guess I am shocked that you haven't gotten over your period of "not believing!" I cannot comprehend how anyone that has birthed a child could possible doubt the presence of God. Just think about how exact and precise the development of that little angel is before they ever leave your body. That is not science. If it was, there would be test tube kids running around! God put a lot of tender loving care in that process! That being said, I still love you being there right next to me and especially with Scarlet! ♥ you!

    1. It's not a period of life. It's my life. I am very open in respectful in what anyone chooses to believe or not believe and I know that as my mom you will do the same for me and let me be. :) See you Sunday by the way! The whole crew, me, Sus, John & the girls :)

  2. As you well know, my faith is my life! I can honestly say that without it I never would be able to survive the tragic loss of my nephew. I've always been very firm in my beliefs, but now I can say with all conviction and truth that I believe 100% in God and what He can do. I've lived it. I've experienced it. I've been in the lowest valley and still come up singing His praises.

    With that said, I also want to say that I have so many new convictions. I no longer believe some of the things I was taught as a child. My convictions are just that "my convictions." Not what my parents believe and not what my preacher has told me. Through my own study have I reached these convictions. I'm not going to hell for drinking. Gay people aren't going to hell because they are gay. My past and what I've done do not seperate me from God. The only thing that sends a person to hell is not believe that Jesus died as a ransom for our sins. Its that plain and simple. Gay people who believe will go to heaven. Murders who believe will go to heaven. Liars, cheaters, you name a sin, if they believe they go to heaven.
    I try to live my life in such a way that people see this in me. I try not to judge people because though my sin may be different its still sin. God does not have a list of sins and which ones are worse than the other. When I lie, I'm no better than a murderer.
    I may have opened my own can of worms, but that it what I believe. Call me crazy, stupid, ignorant, whatever you want. God loves us all, not just certain people.
    And I apologize for being long-winded, but like I said I feel very passionately about my faith.

    1. I respect everything you have said Abby! I won't call you any of those things and I agree on the "my convictions." <3 you :)

  3. I agree wholeheartedly with the girls comment above. I have and always will believe in God. Do I act Godly? No. I do a lot of things that I know are not right, from language to not having a good relationship (currently) with God. I do know that I want my children to experience the love that comes from God alone. I really learned more about what kind of relationship God desires with me and a lot more about true faith and being a Christian when I was in high school going to Lakeside. I loved our church growing up, but there wasn't a good children's base for the youth, not like other churches. Anyway, I'm glad you are introducing Scarlet to church-it is so important for them! Little sponges! And they need to
    Know that God died for them! Sweet little angels are still sinners!

  4. I grew up where religion ="d rules. One day I discovered that God wanted my heart, not my head. Then I discovered another r-word. Relationship. So many messed-up preachers and too many as-messed-up churches have turned people off. God is not a head bopper waiting on me to mess up! We mess up every day! So glad I took my head outta the equation!

  5. That was supposed to be "Katie's Mom"!

  6. I've had many struggles with faith and my beliefs. I was raised by a Southern Baptist preacher and I had Southern Baptist beliefs forced down my throat while growing up. I'm a deep thinker, and very analytical. My mind has made struggle with believing in God and the Bible. But I found a church that fits me, and what I feel God meant for us. (Basically how "The Presley's" believes.) I've had too many personal experiences lately that I believe could come from nothing other than higher power.
    But I believe you should give S the opportunity to make the choice like you're doing. The overall message is a good one teaching, love and respect for all, unless they're southern baptist, but that's a whole-nother rant.
    God may be working on you to show you his presences through the faith of child. Something planted the bug in your ear that S needed to be exposed to church.

  7. I am a friend of a friend (LG), but just wanted to say thanks very much for this post. I am due in Feb, and have had similar thoughts abt what to do when she gets older. It was really nice to hear someone voice a similar belief/thought process. My husband and I always feel a bit like the outcasts, glad to know there are other parents like us. Thank you!

  8. Very interesting Sarah! and I am proud of you for going. I have been thinking about blogging about this myself, as I find myself in a whole new place with Church lately. We had similar childhood stories so I will skip that part and just say, I put off getting back into church for so many of the same reasons, and what I found when I finally bit the bullet and went was I LIKED It. I still can't believe now, how much I enjoy it and how hard I try to make sure I get there on Sunday! It makes my whole week, and feels so right.
    My personal believe with parenting and church is that it is our parental duty to introduce our children to God, and then let them make their own decisions. We teach them how to eat, talk potty and so God should be there too. One of our hooch's expresses ALOT of disappointment that her parents didn't take her to church because she felt inadequate and lost when the subject always arose socially and it made her feel left out.

    I feel 100% certain that you will end up liking it and seeing it differently as an adult if you keep going. There are so many types of churches and views that you will find your niche. Generally, if you are open minded and open hearted, then God will come to you and you wont have to worry about figuring all the rest of the BS
    on the subject of God, I feel 100% certain that there is a God, and I don't worry myself with proving out all the scientific details, because I have had undeniable personal experiences that make me believe.
    Being a Christian does not mean you are perfect, don't curse, drink speak your mind or wear white gloves and smile 24-7. It just means you believe in God & Jesus and everything else is what makes you human.
    Love you and respect whatever you decide!


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