I would be famous

If I wrote a book on how to raise (& not raise) your child(ren). Yep, I am that knowledgeable. So in honor of my great knowledge I thought I would let you on some secrets.

When you come home from the hospital you will be flooded with all sorts of emotions. Good ones & bad ones. You will be hormonal, bitchy, happy, tired, in pain, & hungry. Be sure there is a healthy amount of wine in the house upon your arrival & a husband/partner/helper. You always see & hear about people sleeping with their kids, or having them in the room. This is a terrible idea. Babies are loud. You will already be sleeping like shit for many reasons. 1 being the beast next to you sawing logs while you try to listen & be sure new baby is still breathing. The last thing you need is that baby snorting, grunting, sneezing, & crying. Trust me, there will be crying. Put the kid in their own room, in their crib. Feed it in there, change it in there, & run your ass back to bed because you WILL be up 3 hours later if not sooner. Turn up the monitor so you can hear the baby over the husband and try to get some rest. You may be on cloud 9 those first few nights and actually enjoy getting up but once exhaustion catches up to you (& it will) you will need to reinforce the husband sharing duties. If you breast feed, pump off and on through out the day so the dude can help at night. Yeah he may go to work but guess what, you just pushed a human out of your body. Think about that. You win. Never hurts to remind him when he complains about a long day either.

On eating. Feed your kid. Whether it is breast milk or formula doesn't matter. As long as they have one or the other they will have what it takes to grow & thrive, the only other thing they need is love. Don't get down on your self if you can't breast feed or if you just don't feel like it. It's ok. You aren't failing anyone if a glass of wine or 4 sounds better than a tiny vampire suckling your nipple, that's normal. Your baby can and will survive on either one. Don't feed them baby food. It is a waste of money & a crock of messy, smelly, shit. Wait until they can sit up & are interested in what you eat & share it with them. They will gag, choke, and more than likely eat a lot more exciting food unlike those babies that eat plain mush for years because mom is scared it will choke because they don't have teeth. Old people chew food with their gums, why can't babies? Think about it. Also saves money & time when you can just feed the kid what you eat for dinner, no short order cooks here. I suggest reading into Baby led weaning.

Try to refrain from buying toys. Ever. If you must buy them, search at consignment sales & clean them. It is a proven fact that they will not like the toy in less than 24 hours so that Dora doll you just spent $36 on, yep, might as well have flushed the money. (Or gone to the casino, same thing). If a toy is awesome at a friends house you can believe it will be way less awesome at your own house. These are proven facts guys, Google it.

Do not get new carpet or furniture at any point when children are living in your home. It will be destroyed. Whether it be marker, peanut butter, or that sharpie your idiot husband left on the counter, it all stains. Best bet is to do a Ikea decor and remodel when the parasites go to college but alas, don't be fooled, they will probably move back in for a year or two after college so be prepared. Also do not allow stickers in your house. They serve no purpose and mess shit up. Why pay for a piece of sticky paper that you remove and stick on another piece of non sticky paper. That shit is dumb & really hard to scrape off of walls, toilet seats, & flat screen t.v.'s. Same goes for crayons, only allow them while naked & outside.

Some baby shit is worth spending  a good bit of money on but most of it is not.
A crib & a pack in play, you need both & they don't need to be fancy. You can get used pack n plays all day on craigslist.
A rocking chair, again you need one but those bitches are expensive. I found a comfy, cheap one at wal-mart.
A changing table is a waste of money. Either put a changing pad on top of a waist level dresser or change on the bed, floor, or couch. Trust me, just because you spent all of that time hanging the cutesy bull shit above it, it will have to be moved by the time they can focus their eyes that far and you're senile if you think you will be walking your post-partum ass back to their bedroom to change them when they shit up their back in the living room. Truth.
A good high chair. This is where the money needs to be spent. Do not get one with a cushion. They have crevices. Crevices that hold spaghetti sauce, cheerios, & all of the gross left over junk you WILL find in the high chair. Hot dogs bites crystallize turning into the items your baby can actually choke & die on. I highly recommend the Boon Flair. Easy to use, easy to clean.
A good stroller & car seat combo. We have this one with only the car seat, base, & stroller. Worked great for an infant and the stroller still works great for a toddler. No need to buy an umbrella stroller because without the car seat that is essentially what it is.
Playrooms are stupid and kids don't play in them. Trust. We no longer have a dining room, we have a playroom. It is simply a storage unit for all of the shit toys she doesn't play with. They will be under your feet crying, begging to help, or happily playing your iPad while sitting in your lap cause HELL NO do you let a toddler take off with an iPad.
Dr. Browns bottles. All the rage, but stupid. What kind of asshole would create something for a baby that would require the mother (who just grew & birthed a human) to have more shit to clean?! Everyone knows a husband is not about to take a part a 16 piece bottle. We used drop ins for our "colicky" baby and they did the trick. Plus they are cheap.
Cloth diapers are good shit if you can get everyone on board. (All caregivers). If not, you are still buying both and wasting money. We did this for awhile and saved a bit of money, plus they have a great re-sale value.

Now that you have this wealth of info you can move forward and reproduce. See ya at my book signing :)


  1. Gosh, wish I had read all this BEFORE I did about just the opposite! I'll see ya at the Comedy Club!

  2. I totally agree with you on the food and toys. I love me some used toys AND clothes!

  3. did you write this for me? starring it for the next couple months!

  4. I just died. This needs to be published stat! Hahahahaha!

  5. I have already said this a thousand times but I will say it again...YOU ARE TOTALLY AWESOME!!


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