2012! And lots of pictures.

Happy New Years Eve folks! We have had a crazy Christmas time and I am glad to be coming down off the high of presents, people, too much food, & way too much booze! We had a multitude of celebrations with all of our families and as usual, Scarlet made out like a bandit.

Santa brought Scarlet a John Deere Gator!

and lots of dollhouses and little things that produce blood when stepped on in the middle of night...

John & I got to go out for a drink with some friends that we don't get to see often! Some good looking ladies & fellas I must say. ;)

Also my sweet hub got me this hunka hunka jewel!

This little kitten got to skip her normal early bedtime one night and attend a party with mommy & daddy. And why not let a drunk stranger draw a cat face on your kid at 9pm with a food marker? Oh cause it stains, that's why. Yup she had a cat face for three days. A green one.

We had brunch and snuggles with cousins.

And snuggles with grandma's and presents.

Right now we have my sister in town so yeah, us adults have a blast but throw 3 kids age 3, 2.5, and 18 months and we are all at maximum stress capacity.

So that's the end of 2012. See y'all next year!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad



So I have been on the shelf fence about the whole Elf deal.  I didn't really want to do it because I am lazy and who in their right mind would purposefully create more shit for a parent to do? I laughed at Jess's post because it is oh so true but then, then I thought ya know what? Why not produce some funny shenanigans for my gal and keep her in line all at the same time.  Don't worry, you won't find any kitchen counter "snow" angels here, just some good clean fun. (oh god, what have I become, clean fun? Ugh I disgust myself).

Anyhow, my MIL did the deed and got us the elf.  We decided to introduce the little sucka to Scarlet after her nap Sunday.  I wrapped up the box and addressed it to her & put it on the front porch.  When Scarlet woke up I told her I thought we had a package.  She went to the door and asked if she could open it. Of course I said sure.  We read the book and told her all about how elf reports to the big guy, yada yada yada. Then she had to name it.

"Nuffin Three Dollars."  I shit you not. "Nuffin Three Dollars" is our elves name. What the hell? We will now refer to it as N3D for length of typing sake. So we just stuck N3D on the entertainment center and didn't say much more about it.  John and I thought it may be good to not hide it or make it do some crazy shit because at 6:30 in the morning I don't have time to be following Scarlet around helping her find a elf, or cleaning up some mess I made.  So this morning when I woke her up I told her I thought that N3D had moved... She used the bathroom and went to the living room to get dressed and she spotted it on the counter next to her cereal bowl, but the cereal bowl was full of gummy bears, jelly beans, and goldfish.  She got a big kick out of this cause duh, who gets candy for breakfast? (a kid that gets sent to school, that's who)!

So that is where we are.  We got the elf, the kid likes it, and I really liked seeing her face this morning.  Happy Christmas, I hope you like our new family member as much as we do!


Operation WANA

I must have only thought I was in a funk.
I got out of it.
Last year this badass chick started a great thing. I will let you read about it here on her blog. If you are able, please go read through the comments and PAY IT FORWARD! This time of year is hard for a whole lot of people and while helping out 5 or 6 may seem small in the grand scheme, it is huge in their lives.  Please spread the word about Operation We Are Not Assholes!


Bad blogger award came out. I got it. Ya'll we have been so busy.  I really don't have a lot to say.
 Last weeks tragedy has had me in the dumps. 

I can't seem to put any words out here regarding that.  

The holidays are coming fast and here we are facing a new year.  This shit is happening too fast.  

Our little girl is growing wiser, sweeter, and more beautiful by the day. I am so thankful for her.  

I hope you all have a blessed holiday.  I will probably be scarce around here for the next couple of weeks, I will try to get out of my funk. 

Merry Christmas. 


One down

Remember my post yesterday about that mouse?  I found this on my kitchen floor this morning.

Current Score: Sarah - 1, Mouse - 0.
No worries, I am keeping multiple traps out and I will keep you posted as the score changes.


He's baaaack

Last year we had a little issue, well multiple little issues.
And it wasn't only last year. It's every.winter. For the past 4 years.

We have these tiny bitches that think they can live here rent free and nibble our food pieces. They think that it's totally appropriate to scurry across the kitchen floor when I walk in from work holding a 30lb 2 year old, a purse, a jacket, a cup, a lunchbox, and a cold beer.

That's right. We have mice.

I would say mouse but we all know where there is one, there is likely 12.

Those fuckers think they are entitled to what's mine and I am here to tell you, I WILL WIN. This year I'm bringing in the big guns and you squirmy little bastards better be reading this cause I am here to stay, and you my friend, are not. Bring it on Fredrick, bring it on.

Until next time.

Hope you got your helmet sucka!!!  

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone



I was driving around downtown today for work and I started thinking about my car history.  Right now I have 2009 Chrysler Town & Country mini van.

It is badass, well as badass as a mini van can be. Whatever, I think it's cool. But man, I have had some laughable ones.  Let's see, the one that stands out the most is the 1981 Chevrolet Cavalier I got when my great aunt died.

This was my 2nd or 3rd cavalier. Haha, the others were at least in the 90's make! So I got this car & immediately told my dad that I didn't feel safe driving it. He told me to get over it.
The driver seat was not attached to the floor board. Re-read that sentence. Not attached.
That means when I pushed the gas I fell backwards & when I braked, I ate the steering wheel.
It also had a tendency to die when I turned left. Haha literally I would turn out across traffic and it would die, every time I turned left.
That car finally blew up when I was getting off the interstate one day.
Then I got this Ford Taurus.
A land yacht ya'll. You could tell the previous owner was proud of this thing with the flashy interior... I couldn't afford the $65 a week car payment the guy worked out with my dad (a high school buddy of his). $65 a week. I was such a dumbass. I drove this car into a stop sign, across a street and into a ditch one night after work. Thankfully I was ok even though there was a stop sign in my passenger seat. I was digging in my purse.
After that one dad and I set out yet again and found me "my dream car." Seriously I thought this Montero was the BDC and I was (supposed) to pay for it but that didn't last long, so dad did. I am spoiled. I rocked that car, it was my fave! I had it for 10 years!
I don't know what got me thinking about these cars but my car history cracks me up. I even left out a few! What was your favorite/least favorite car growing up?


Bullets & Points

  • We went to my sisters last weekend for girls time.  We had a blast and Scarlet has decided she needs a dog. Lord help me, I hate animals. I have made it clear that if a dog were to find its way into our lives it will live on a chain, next to its dog house, outside. It will never set foot in our house. I am allergic and they smell and I loathe dog hair. 
  • While at my sisters house we decided to grill out after the girls went to bed.  It is unfortunate that no one told me you have to "burp" a Big Green Egg and I now have a singed off patch of hair on the left side of my head.  Also we had been drinking when this happened (shocker) and the words "Holy shit, do I have eyebrows? Am I on fire?" came out of my mouth, still funny.
  • My kid has had a cough for 39 days.  I totally haven't been counting but that sounds about right.  Do you guys take your kid to the doctor for a cough? I don't want to.
  • After I got home from sisters My husband told me he was going hunting this weekend, I said no way am I solo parenting again this weekend so his mom is going to take her Friday night so I can have some lazy, DVR cleaning, me time. Is it bad that I am excited?
  • I can't wait until Thanksgiving, we are bunking with our friends the Grizas and will have 6 adults & 4 kids under one roof.  Holy shit her house seems really small now (and it's not). I may be bald when we leave.  I also get to pick up my iKid while we are there! Yay! 
  • Speaking of iPad, I can finally reclaim mine after Christmas because Johns parents want to get Scarlet a Kurio tablet. It looks cool and she will leave mine alone! 
  • If we do ever get a dog, it will be this one.  

  • I miss my Grannie.
  • Why is this week going sooooo slow?


Dia de los Muertas

This happened. It was time consuming and fun.

And ya'll, it was an absolute blast.  I was soooo nervous that Scarlet would be scared of my "face" but she wasn't. She told me she didn't like it at first but by nights end, she asked me to do hers the same.  Next year my girl, next year.  Tonight was the first night I have relaxed in quite sometime, like really relaxed.  I looked up, about 7:45, and realized I didn't care that it was past baby girls bedtime.  She was happy, we were happy, & shit was good.  She ate corn on the cob, mexi style. Apparently, that is covered in mayo, cheese and hot sauce.  That's my girl.  Ya'll I like weird shit but I was nervous to face paint and take my child to this.  I don't know why, I just was.  Now I know that was dumb. We all loved it and will be going back next year. The pork belly tacos didn't hurt either :).  happy weekend folks!


Tids & Bits

  • What a fun Halloween! Scarlet is finally old enough to "get it" and man did she get it! She had a blast!

  • Although that is in fact an owl costume, she was convinced she was just a pink birdie. Whatever works.
  • Although this Thanksgiving will be a lot different without Grannie, we have decided to carry on and have it at her house for one last year.  A rally if you will cause ya'll if anyone could rally, it was our Grannie.  Man we miss her. 
  • I am pretty sure I have gained 4 pounds in the last month which wouldn't be a big deal except I just ate 4 more pounds of Halloween candy at my desk before lunch.  
  • Scarlet has been telling me she wants a pink car from Santa, she has never seen a pink car.  She is in fact getting a car, but not a pink one.  A red or blue Jeep Hurricane Power wheels is in her future!
  • There was a robbery in our neighborhood. Yikes. We have been broken into before in our old neighborhood where it was more common.  Where we live now this is unheard of.  The alarm is set now and we have guns, beware robbers. 
  • Anyone jumping on that NaBloPoMo bandwagon? I can't commit to that kind of shit. 
  • Last week I thought I wanted another kid, then I realized that is gross, then I realized we can't afford 2 kids in school so there goes that thought.
  • I am getting really good at procrastinating at work & I don't like how it makes me feel but no matter what, I always find something un-workish to do like blog or facebook.
  • Can you believe it is November? What the hell? Now I get why my parents tried to tell us it was like we grew up in the blink of an eye. I can't believe another year is almost gone. :(
  • What is everyone thinking about for Christmas? I've got my eye on this beauty among other things...

  • There are no words for how excited I am about another weekend. I LOVE them.  Come on Friday!


Orange Mocha Frappucinno

Maybe I am just a butt hole but oh my god if I see ONE more pin of "pumpkin spiced everything" 
I may quit Pinterest.  Seriously people, I like looking at good looking 
shit too, but pumpkin cake balls, soup, and 
are getting old.

Also, Elf on a Shelf. 
I can't describe the way I feel about this little fellow. 
Look mom, I can be good for a month so I can get presents. 
All you have to do is make a disaster that involves flour, tell me that an elf is watching, 
then YOU have to go clean it up! 

Scarlets attitude has reached epic proportions. 
We had to leave town for a few days because my grandmother died. 
We came back to hell baby.
 Oh and naps, she still hates those. 
Not a phase I guess. 

I am excited to take her trick or treating.  Mainly because I want candy but I also want to see her in her costume. She said she wanted to be a bird but I found a owl costume on clearance at Target so she will be a pink owl. She's happy with this decision and told me I will be going as a Daddy. Not a daddy bird, just a daddy period. 

I feel like I am writing Haiku's even though I can't remember what they actually are. 
I just felt like shaping my paragraphs.

I need to drop about 10 pounds before we go into holiday season. I have gained 3 pounds over my "comfort" zone of numbers and although 3 is not a lot, it is noticeable. I don't have very much will power, especially around copious amounts of booze and food so unless I want a do over of last year (which I don't) I need to shape up so it won't be as noticeable when I gain 7 pounds in 4 days.

I really really hope this week goes smooth.  I hope we do not have to have an emergency leave town and I really can't wait to have a relaxing weekend at home. That would be cool.

Head on over to The Poop and see some of the funnies Scarlet hit us with upon our arrival back home! 


Clicks & Whistles

Some stuff on the internet has been making me happy lately. I will share them with you. Some of them are blogs, some products, some etsy, some tweets. Just some clicks I like. Enjoy...

I found this.  Wittlebee. How cool. Pay $29 and get a box of kids clothes (valued at $100). Keep what you like, send back what you don't. Anything you don't keep either can be a credit for the next month or they will add another article in your next box. I like this. I'm not ballsy enough to try the Stitch Fix or Tag & Porter route  yet, $29 is way easier to spend than $200.

Although this chick can be annoying (only cause she is extra pretty, skinny, and seems to be living it up) I like her blog. She cracks me up and obviously has that "who gives a shit" attitude that I am drawn to.

Funny, Funny, Funny! I have been drawn to the funnies lately because my attitude sucks so bad I need someone to make me laugh. Pooh costume anyone?!

I have been praying for this little girl but haven't heard anything about her lately. I hope she doing well. Go read about her, she is strong & needs all the prayer she can get.

I posted a link to this chick the other day. She is funny, real, & good at her job. You won't find sunshine & rainbows here unless there are actually rainbows at her house.

I have yet to order from her shop but man is this stuff cute! Her blog is precious too and makes me want to be a cute mom, although I never will.

I KNOW these people are assholes but they are hilarious, AND this is where I find most of the new blogs I find.  I tend to love the people they hate, so in reality, they are doing the ones they loathe a favor by posting about them because I quickly follow each link!

Also assholery but anyone that devotes this amount of time making fun of a terribly dressed girls "style" blog, gets my page view.

How awesome are these kids t-shirts? I would like 5.

That's it for today. If you are in Reader jump out and see my new blog design & get my button!
Happy Friday!


Bento Bandwagon

Man Asians can make some cute ass meals huh? Well I am not Asian so this here PB&J dinner took me around 20 minutes to make but guys, if you could have seen her face...

She ate the entire plate, well not the plate itself, but you know. I found all of this (and more) at allthingsforsale.com for cheap! I'll try to post what all I got.  Anyhow, if you have a few extra minutes before lunch or dinner and want to see a toddlers mind explode, give them a bear shaped sandwich complete with face.

You can thank me later.

(you can't even see the cute little fish container with yogurt, oh I shall make John & I dinner in these tonight...)

& no, that website had nothing to do with me writing this. 


Oh my god. I am so tired. I feel like i have a newborn, worse than a newborn because she can say my name.  I need a full nights sleep, I can't take it anymore.  Let's back up.

Monday I got to write my first post for The Poop! Fun!

Then I got sick.
Then Scarlet got sick.
Then I got struck by lightning.  Just kidding, I can't back that last part up at all.

So last Friday I was all pumped for work even though I had felt generally shitty all week.  My boss was out of town, I was gonna take a 1/2 day as per usual but I was going to go to the doctor. Get a shot & a z-pack and solve all of the worlds problems.  Clean my house, eat junk, clean my dvr out... Dreamy Friday right?

Except none of that happened but the doctor bit.  Scarlet woke up and I could tell she had a fever.  I couldn't bring myself to dose her and send her off to school because as I've said before, the assholes that do that are the reason my kid gets sick. I didn't feel that she warranted a trip to the doc for just a fever but I certainly needed one so my mom came over and hung with sickie while I went to the doctor. Got my shot & my z-pack and carried on.

Being home with a sick kid sucks. Bad. She was a fuss bucket & so was I. Then the weekend happened and she wouldn't nap. Like at all. And I still felt like shit. It was pretty nasty at our house. Then Monday happened, keep in mind we haven't slept through the night in like a month. Oh I left that out. She has been waking up no less than 3 times a night for NO REASON other than to be sure I will walk in her room. Efff. That. It goes back and fourth between me getting up or me socking John long enough for him to get up but either way I AM AWAKE every time she wakes up. Not fun.

The out-laws were passing through town on Tuesday and asked if they could camp out at our zombie house. Real glad we said yes cause Scarlet was up all. night. long. EFF THIS.
I could NOT take off work the next day. The best in-laws ever put there beach plan on hold for the day and took her to the doc. She got a breathing treatment, antibiotics, & some pretty potent cough syrup.

I came home from work to a new kid. It was magical. And whether she slept all night last night was because of the "little" bit over the recommended amount of cough syrup I gave her, or not, she SLEPT. There were unicorns and tiny hands massaging me with Gods beard when I woke up. Unicorns. I saw rainbows, I feel human.
Sleep is a good thing.  Hope none of you ever get sick.

P.S. My new blog design should be up soon...Like tomorrow. This girl made it. I like her, I kinda feel like we are related.
P.P.S. My friend Emily just had her first baby, a little girl named Reese. Go show her some Mama love. Now.


The shit has hit the fan

Hey loyals

I have been asked to contribute to a little spot on the web called The Poop Whisperer. I will still be here with my usual vulgar posts but I hope you will join us ladies over there for some fun parenting facts & fiction!

This is a group of ladies that blog about all kinds of things! From parenting, to marriage, to crafting, food & special needs; they cover it all. Now I get to be a part of it!

My first post will be up Monday so come see what's going on at The Poop! {see you here tomorrow}!


31 days of duck face

So I totally wanted to keep up with all my fellow bloggers on doing the 31 days of blogging thing, but I am inconsistent and an asshole. So I thought I would just make fun of people for 26 days instead. Hope you guys enjoy 26 days of the infamous "Duck Face" pose.

Here's to day 1 bitches!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Things change

I'd like to touch on a touchy subject. Stupid I know. 
I wanted to hear from some other people about there choice in religion/beliefs and what led you where you are today.
I'll go first.
My husband & I were both brought up in semi-religious homes. My family went to church every Sunday. Without ever having to option not to go, it never seemed like a chore. We prayed before dinner & bed. 
That was about the extent of it. Episcopal was our church of choice, well my moms church of choice as we didn't have a choice. We were confirmed in the church and did all of the fun Sunday school and youth stuff they had to offer. That is pretty much the only time religion played any part in our lives, church & church functions once or twice a month. As I got older and naturally started resisting what my parents wanted me to do, I stopped going to church. For no reason other than I don't like getting up early. 
When I went to college I was quickly swept in to the different crowd, shocker right? I started hanging around the philosophers & decided I would take a religion class from one cool dude. (What's up Patton)!! Man this class made my head spin! He immediately had the class show hands if they believed in God. I didn't raise my hand, & I'm glad I didn't because he made them leave class. 2 people. I felt like I fit in right then. Just by not raising my hand. 
My mind was open.
As we started to explore religion, its origination, and science, I stood firm in not believing in God. I saw only black & white. If I can't feel it or touch it is isn't real. After countless religion courses (every one they offered ended up being enough to minor in it), I still loved learning about it, just didn't think it (God) was real (for me).
Still don't.
Even having a child, to me, hasn't changed this. 
Reproducing (in my opinion) is science. 

. . .
Then things got weird. My husband & I have often talked about bringing the "church" aspect into Scarlets life because it was a big part of our lives growing up. Don't get me wrong, we were still awful, disrespectful, twits as teenagers, but we both agreed that the time spent there helped mould us into who we are now. It gave us structure, we learned respect, whether I believe or not I will ALWAYS honor my Mother & Father. Not saying that I always did :)
We made life long friends there. Got my first job there (nursery)! And learned a lot.
So I have really been thinking about taking her to church. I had a lot of anxiety for months before I finally bit the bullet. 
All I could think about was people wanting to have dinners & there not being alcohol & me accidentally dropping a *f* bomb in front of the sweet lady passing me the peas. Yeah all that shit matters to me. I may be crude & inappropriate but you will never see me cuss an old lady (or man for that matter;).
Next step would be finding a church/temple/mosque that I was comfortable in. Cause lezbehonest - My comfort is what really matters. 
I found several ones online & through word of mouth that looked open, friendly, & welcoming. Still didn't go. Talked it up to John, made plans, didn't follow through.
Still nervous.
Not to long ago a friend asked me if I would go with her & her daughter. The anxiety came sweeping in again. 
Side note: I am not joking about the anxiety thing. I had to go to a psychologist as a teen b/c church (& other similar situations like the movies) gave me anxiety attacks. I literally couldn't sit through service without throwing up. I would get hot & shaky & dizzy. 
So I wanted to go, but I couldn't. I asked her if we could maybe go to the one I used to go to when I was little. Maybe it would be easier.
We went to 9 o'clock service. We walked in & yes I was shaking. Once I saw my mom the nerves went away because I knew I was there for me. Not because she made me. 
Once I saw the grown children that I used to baby sit sitting next to their parents, it fizzled even more. 
Within minutes, I was sitting comfortably thinking about when I was younger (like 5) and would sit there by my mom. She would let me hold her hand & play with her rings. She would hand me peppermint after peppermint to keep me quiet. 
She needed me there for her, and now I want Scarlet there for me. I want that special time with my girl. She goes to the nursery now, but man I couldn't stop thinking about her being a couple years older, her dad is at the hunting club, & me & my special girl are sitting hand it hand. While I may be day dreaming because I really don't care what they are saying, it still makes my heart full. I still stand & sing because it's pretty & I like the choir. I still take Scarlet up for communion even though I don't participate, because she likes it, & it is special to her. It used to make me feel so grown up to go up for communion. 
I don't know if things will change. No one does. But I do know that church is good for me, probably in a WHOLE different way then most people, but good for me. 
I hope she feels the same.


If you hate your job

If you hate your job I strongly advise you to look into finding another one.  I know, easier said than done right? I've recently been made aware of a profession that just can't seem to make anyone happy.  Pharmacist. Has anyone ever met a pharmacist that just loves there job? If so where, so I can go there. Hey pharmacist, I know you work hard long hours, so does the rest of America. I know you went to school for a very long time but you chose that path, not me. I have no sympathy for your chosen career. If you don't like it, change it.  But let me tell you a little something first. You are equally as important as a doctor, a heart surgeon, an oncologist. You can make people live or die. You get that right? When a patient needs his pacemaker medicine (<--- does that even exist?) filled you fill it in a timely manner, you know, so HE. WON'T. DIE. Well you know what else is important? That pediatrician that called in the Bromfed cough syrup for a 2 year old patient. No, your right, a 2 year old certainly won't die from a cough but you bet your ass her mom could very feasibly kill herself, the dad or the kid at 3 am after waking up 47 times to pat the coughing kid back to sleep because the asshole at the pharmacy "forgot" to fax the prescription to the other pharmacy because they were out of syrup. Bam. Just like that you are responsible for 3 lives, making you almost MORE important than the surgeon cause they most certainly never operate on 3 people at once. I just need to get somethings off my chest here. When I call to ask if I should just come get the prescription to take it to another pharmacy and the lazy tech tells me "sho, it prolly be quicka if you come up hea and get it yoself cuz I ain't had time to fax it" something is not right. After I wait in a pharmacy drive thru for 20 minutes cause I am bra-less in my pjs trying to get my kid meds before bed and other assistant says "oh you can't ha dis cause it was a email, it ain't a written one, I can send it now but it gon take a minute" I look over and see the actual pharmacist, the lifesaver, standing there tap tap tapping away at her iphone screen...Oh cool, glad you have a spare minute there buddy, wanna grab a drink while we wait on this bitch to fax my kids script or you want to MANAGE YOUR TEAM and fill the fucking prescription. RAH. I don't get it. I just don't get it. It took me 4 HOURS from the time CVS received my prescription to fill it. FOUR. After I got the medcine (from another pharmacy across town at 8 pm) I rushed home to administer. Wouldn't you know. Had the opposite effect on her. She instantly turned into a 30 lb meth head, chattering and turning flips in her bed. All night long. You definitely didn't save my life pharmacist. Maybe you should go into something a little bit more laid back, a little bit more enjoyable, you know like a cashier or grocery bagger. Just trying to help out.

*This seriously happened 2 weeks ago but I had to make a note to blog it once I came off of that ledge I was about to jump from. No sleep for a week does something funny to you.
*Abby, I am sure Neal is a pleasant pharmacist but I can't drive to Opp for cough syrup :)


I would be famous

If I wrote a book on how to raise (& not raise) your child(ren). Yep, I am that knowledgeable. So in honor of my great knowledge I thought I would let you on some secrets.

When you come home from the hospital you will be flooded with all sorts of emotions. Good ones & bad ones. You will be hormonal, bitchy, happy, tired, in pain, & hungry. Be sure there is a healthy amount of wine in the house upon your arrival & a husband/partner/helper. You always see & hear about people sleeping with their kids, or having them in the room. This is a terrible idea. Babies are loud. You will already be sleeping like shit for many reasons. 1 being the beast next to you sawing logs while you try to listen & be sure new baby is still breathing. The last thing you need is that baby snorting, grunting, sneezing, & crying. Trust me, there will be crying. Put the kid in their own room, in their crib. Feed it in there, change it in there, & run your ass back to bed because you WILL be up 3 hours later if not sooner. Turn up the monitor so you can hear the baby over the husband and try to get some rest. You may be on cloud 9 those first few nights and actually enjoy getting up but once exhaustion catches up to you (& it will) you will need to reinforce the husband sharing duties. If you breast feed, pump off and on through out the day so the dude can help at night. Yeah he may go to work but guess what, you just pushed a human out of your body. Think about that. You win. Never hurts to remind him when he complains about a long day either.

On eating. Feed your kid. Whether it is breast milk or formula doesn't matter. As long as they have one or the other they will have what it takes to grow & thrive, the only other thing they need is love. Don't get down on your self if you can't breast feed or if you just don't feel like it. It's ok. You aren't failing anyone if a glass of wine or 4 sounds better than a tiny vampire suckling your nipple, that's normal. Your baby can and will survive on either one. Don't feed them baby food. It is a waste of money & a crock of messy, smelly, shit. Wait until they can sit up & are interested in what you eat & share it with them. They will gag, choke, and more than likely eat a lot more exciting food unlike those babies that eat plain mush for years because mom is scared it will choke because they don't have teeth. Old people chew food with their gums, why can't babies? Think about it. Also saves money & time when you can just feed the kid what you eat for dinner, no short order cooks here. I suggest reading into Baby led weaning.

Try to refrain from buying toys. Ever. If you must buy them, search at consignment sales & clean them. It is a proven fact that they will not like the toy in less than 24 hours so that Dora doll you just spent $36 on, yep, might as well have flushed the money. (Or gone to the casino, same thing). If a toy is awesome at a friends house you can believe it will be way less awesome at your own house. These are proven facts guys, Google it.

Do not get new carpet or furniture at any point when children are living in your home. It will be destroyed. Whether it be marker, peanut butter, or that sharpie your idiot husband left on the counter, it all stains. Best bet is to do a Ikea decor and remodel when the parasites go to college but alas, don't be fooled, they will probably move back in for a year or two after college so be prepared. Also do not allow stickers in your house. They serve no purpose and mess shit up. Why pay for a piece of sticky paper that you remove and stick on another piece of non sticky paper. That shit is dumb & really hard to scrape off of walls, toilet seats, & flat screen t.v.'s. Same goes for crayons, only allow them while naked & outside.

Some baby shit is worth spending  a good bit of money on but most of it is not.
A crib & a pack in play, you need both & they don't need to be fancy. You can get used pack n plays all day on craigslist.
A rocking chair, again you need one but those bitches are expensive. I found a comfy, cheap one at wal-mart.
A changing table is a waste of money. Either put a changing pad on top of a waist level dresser or change on the bed, floor, or couch. Trust me, just because you spent all of that time hanging the cutesy bull shit above it, it will have to be moved by the time they can focus their eyes that far and you're senile if you think you will be walking your post-partum ass back to their bedroom to change them when they shit up their back in the living room. Truth.
A good high chair. This is where the money needs to be spent. Do not get one with a cushion. They have crevices. Crevices that hold spaghetti sauce, cheerios, & all of the gross left over junk you WILL find in the high chair. Hot dogs bites crystallize turning into the items your baby can actually choke & die on. I highly recommend the Boon Flair. Easy to use, easy to clean.
A good stroller & car seat combo. We have this one with only the car seat, base, & stroller. Worked great for an infant and the stroller still works great for a toddler. No need to buy an umbrella stroller because without the car seat that is essentially what it is.
Playrooms are stupid and kids don't play in them. Trust. We no longer have a dining room, we have a playroom. It is simply a storage unit for all of the shit toys she doesn't play with. They will be under your feet crying, begging to help, or happily playing your iPad while sitting in your lap cause HELL NO do you let a toddler take off with an iPad.
Dr. Browns bottles. All the rage, but stupid. What kind of asshole would create something for a baby that would require the mother (who just grew & birthed a human) to have more shit to clean?! Everyone knows a husband is not about to take a part a 16 piece bottle. We used drop ins for our "colicky" baby and they did the trick. Plus they are cheap.
Cloth diapers are good shit if you can get everyone on board. (All caregivers). If not, you are still buying both and wasting money. We did this for awhile and saved a bit of money, plus they have a great re-sale value.

Now that you have this wealth of info you can move forward and reproduce. See ya at my book signing :)


Shit I don't get v.1

Here is a current list of shit that I think is stupid.
  • Car monogram stickers

Ok guys help me out here. Please enlighten me as to WHY you need your initials on your car? Why? No one can give me a valid reason. When out looking for your Honda Pilot in the sea of cars at the mall does this curly font monogram help determine which is yours? Are there really SO many cars like yours that you must have your initials on it? These are stupid & if you have one, you are too.
  • Car family stickers
Sticking with the theme. Do I even need to elaborate here?  Hey look, I have a husband, 3 school age children, a baby, 2 cats & a dog AND a baby bump!  Oh & in case you needed to know, we are all Auburn fans and I love tennis.  AND my initials are right over there next to my lil' fam . . . Well if this isn't a kidnapper target I don't know what is.  You know what those creeps in white, windowless vans think when they see these stickers?  (high fives fellow kidnapper) "Dude, do you see that hot bitch in the Suburban? Let's get her!  3 kids & she's pregnant! Win. We can make hella money off 3 kids & a pregnant lady! Oh look, her initials are DJR, bet her name is Deanna or Darcy, I like Darcy, what should we call her?" Other smarter kidnapper, "Fuck this man, I don't want 3 kids I'm out. And dude, her name is probably dumbass."

  • Political facebook & twitter posts.
No, just no. I do not care that you watched the DNC while I watched Teen Mom. I do not care what you think about it. No one does. 

Also, these e cards make me stabby.  They were funny for 10 minutes.  


Groundhogs Day (AKA longest post ever)

This week has felt like 5 Mondays in a row.  I thought it would never end but here we are, it's Friday, and we are heading to the beach.  I am so so thankful to squeeze in one last summer beach trip for the year.  Although we will go back during the cold months this trip is different, we are going without Scarlet.  We are so blessed with awesome parents that love to go on grand-baby watch so we can have some "adult time." Get your mind out of the gutter, nowadays adult time means staying up late, not worrying about nap, and drinking copious amounts of wine without having to wake up at 7am.  My mom is picking her up from school today and she will be spending the weekend at our house with little Macon.  I told her they were going to meet Dora on Sunday at The McWane center and she LOST HER MIND!  SO, last weekend Johns parents came and got S on Friday so John & I could go see our close to favorite band.  (Told you we have awesome parents)!  Phish came to Birmingham after 13 years!  We got hippied out (cause that's our nature) & joined about 20,000 others for some great tunes.  My body does not work like it used to.  After 4 solid hours of groovin' (with the Grizas no less) I could hardly move.  To think I used to go to 3 day shows & festivals!  I couldn't do that now if it was free and that shit ain't free!  $11 a beer will make ya think before ya drink that's for damn sure!

(yay I LOVE hippies)
Here we are playing in the lot.  That girl playing with her phone is our friend Mere.  This was her first show & she loved it!  She also LOVED people watching :)  The band put on a fabulous show for us which says a lot after a summer tour!

As always, the light show was great and what made it even better was being on the 8th row!  What what!

Next order of business.  I gave Scarlet a can of shaving cream yesterday in the tub.  Best $0.97 we ever spent.  She loved it.  Please believe we will have this at hand forever.

She is so full of attitude you guys.  Lately we have been butting heads & I hate it.  I want her to obey, I want her to be patient and gracious and have manners but sometimes she frustrates me so bad that I yell.  Then I feel bad.  I try to be patient with her but this age, this age is killing me ya'll.  And she learned the word "doo-doo" at school which she thinks is hilarious.  She just loves to say it & watch me squirm.  Doing my best to ignore it.

SO you heard about that hurricane?  I have some friends that have a condo where ours is but they live there full time.  They stuck around and had a hurricane party this week.  Good shit guys. 

Our place fared well.  The marina next door has cameras that we can log onto online and pan around so it was pretty neat to watch the hurricane coming in on real time.  By the time the rain slowed down and all the water came in from the gulf, the water level was at our docks!
Those are normally a good 6-8 feet above water!  Crazy.  Glad Orange Beach was ok, but sad for parts of LA & MS that got pounded.  
I never intended for this to be the longest post ever but this has been the longest week ever so I'm ok with it.  Hope everyone has a smashing Labor Day.  Be safe, get some sun.  It'll be fall before we know it!  


Beach Trip ups

So the beach was awesome.  We have a great little spot in our favorite corner of the world, Orange Beach.  We took my sis and her fam for a full 6 days on the gulf coast.  I am hear to tell you about ALL of the shenanigans, not the fun.  We had a lot of fun, but the unfortunate stuff that happened is way funnier, so here goes.  After a full day of rain and being trapped in a condo with 3 kids & 4 adults, we decided we would take the kids over to the beach.  You see our condo is on the bay, we have pools, docks, and a perfectly good "beach" with sand and water.  Sister & I thought it would be a "fun family" thing to do to get all Griswold and load up all the shit and drag the kids down the boardwalk to the "real beach."  God are we stupid.  We loaded up and went over to Gulf State Park, walked a mile in the sand and set up camp.  Of course my child wanted to be carried 5 minutes into the walk, while I am carrying a 30 lb bag of toys, John is dragging a wagon FULL of shit, sister has 2 bags, her husband had a baby on his shoulders and 2 bags.  I forgot to mention that wagons don't work in the sand.  At all.  Don't take them.  John basically had to CARRY a wagon with 2 coolers and ALL of our stuff, a mile, in sand.  He was not happy with this.  So we set up camp, play for 4 hours and decide we want to go back & get in the pool.  Pack all of the shit and start the walk back.  This time I have a 30 lb baby on my shoulders & a bag, we are all sandy and wet.  The kids are miserable and crying walking on sand that felt like the surface of the sun.  I get to the shower by the parking lot and was on the verge of tears I was so hot and a smell hits me.  I have no way to describe this other than the WORST SMELL I HAVE EVER SMELLED IN MY LIFE.  I'm talking bodies, rotten fish, diapers, food, and dead people.  They picked a fab time to empty the state park trash huh?  Sus threw up, John ran to the car gagging, I was literally in tears holding my breath, & we still had to load the car & kids.  FAIL people.  Just fail.  Lesson learned, we will never. ever. do that again.  So we had a couple more days of fun, went to The Trak & let the kids play, had lunch at LuLu's, & lots of swimming.  Then came Thursday when we had to head home.  We packed the car Wednesday night but still didn't manage to get out until about 10:00 in the morning and this just doesn't fly with John & I.  We are early leavers.  We don't like to get home later than 3.  So me and sis rode together with the girls, the guys took Harrison.  We stop to get gas and Sus hears this hissing.  I go look and the back tire is POURING air from a hole.  Is this a fucking joke?  No, no it wasn't.  We moved the car & the tire was flat within 20 minutes.  OH MY GOD.  We unpack the ENTIRE Expedition.  You guys know what that is?  Those giant SUV's with a family of 4's junk in it.  OH MY GOD this has to be a joke.  The guys catch up with us and change the tire (there goes another hour) and by the time we are done, its lunch time.  So we stop, again, for another hour.  Shoot me now.  The rest of the trip was relatively uneventful (thank god) but we didn't get home until 5.  5pm.  That's right, calculate that.  A 4 hour trip took us 7 hours.  Not to mention the 36 times we had to stop because 2 potty trained toddlers have to poop and pee every 20 minutes.  What a shit show.  So now that I got all of that out I will say we did have an absolute blast, I just wanted to document the things that had us all laughing and almost crying.  Family vacations sure have taken a funny turn now that we added all of these children but we wouldn't have it any other way!  Here are some pics!
 First nights dinner! 
 The girls loved the big bath tub and Emma is a pro at the choke hold!
 My girl enjoying the beach :)
 So this is a fountain at Lulu's for kids to splash in, not get in.  I looked up from our table and of course my water baby was in it!
And this is proof.  Oh my god ya'll we weren't even 30 miles out of town.  I am just so glad we caught it at a gas station and we weren't on the side of the interstate!
So that's the wrap up.  I'm sure Sus will post the pleasant happenings and lots of pics so co check her out!  I didn't get my camera out at all!  Have any of you had any "Griswold" like family vacations?