Without Fail

How are toddlers so smart?
How do they know the minute we fall asleep?
Can you tell me why, for the past 7 days, my child has sounded a tornado siren from her room anywhere within 5 minutes to 17 minutes of my alarm going off at 5:45 am.  FIVE FOURTY-FIVE in the morning.
We got lucky on the sleep front when she was little.  I'm talking 5 weeks and she was sleeping 10+ hours a night but enter toddler-hood.  Oh toddlers.  The hood of toddlers.
We finally get that beast to bed, ya know after brushing our teeth, face and hands with toothpaste, after practically squeezing pee out of her, and 20 minutes of choosing just the right stuffed animal to sleep with, when we can relax.  By relax I mean sit on the edge of the couch and watch the monitor for her to scream.  Cause she is going to scream.
We go maybe 6 days a month with NO noise from her room at night but those other 24 days...it's rough ya'll.

What I don't understand is she goes to bed fine & sleeps fine for the most part.  We have yet to find a reason for the "Mommy, Moooommmy, DAD, DADDDDDDY" alarm  that she has set.  And it pisses me off.

When I look at the monitor she is asleep, yelling in her sleep.  And I don't mean scared yelling, like night terror, just yelling.  If one of us goes in the room it makes it worse, so I just lay there, awake, while John saws enough logs to build a cabin and she screams.

It doesn't really even matter anymore.  I have become so used to getting broken sleep that when she doesn't actually wake up demanding bed side service, I don't notice.
I think all I am trying to say is that is doesn't matter if your kid slept through the night early, hell it doesn't matter if your kid never slept at all cause I am here to tell you, if you have children you will never sleep through the night again. Ever.
Go fourth and reproduce, only if you are brave, and never want to sleep again.

Happy Thursday!

Boo-Bur

We don't have pets. I am allergic to cats. Like my eyes puff out and I sneeze repeatedly if I look through a pet store window at one.  Dogs are out of the question, I am not potty training anything else. Ever.  I have been thinking about getting the littlest a fish lately but I know she I would kill it, bringing me to explain dying to a 2 year old.  Not ready for that.  

So we got something even better.  We got someone else's pet. 

See Scarlet is skiddish of dogs in general but for some reason she is OBSESSED with my sisters mutt, Bart. Every morning I ask her if she had sweet dreams. Every morning she tells me she dreamed about Bart and he slept in her bed because he is a good boy and he won't tee tee in her bed.  Ya'll this kid is crazy. Although she says she likes Bart you have to bribe her to touch him. She would lose her shit if that dog got in her bed. Lose it. 

She has been giving us some flack lately about doing daily chores, you know like brushing her teeth and peeing before bed. Last night I told her I would show her a picture of Bart if she finished brushing and went to the potty, so she did.  That's right guys. Virtual pet bribery at its' finest.  

I quickly texted my sis and asked for an array of pics of the dog so I can continue to use this and this morning, I'll let you guess who got up without a fuss, used the bathroom and got dressed without a bit fuss all with the promise of getting to see a pic of her Boo-bur, as she calls him. 

Guys, my kid has a dog via text and is happy with it. 

I wish it was all going to be this easy.

Meet Bart.

Now if you made it through that I will introduce you to some people I am enjoying lately.

AP at "I Love You More Than Carrots"  - This is one funny chic with some cute little boys. If you've ever had a shitty/hilarious day that made you want to drink before lunch, go read todays post.

M at "Perfectly Imperfect" - She is raw and real and has the most adorable chunk of a little girl. 

Raven at "Don't Quote The Raven" - Holy shit. This chic is hilarious and if you want to see something that warrants murdering your husband click here. Safe to say I have literally been laughing since Monday. Not kidding.

Lori at "Pass The Olive Oil" - She doesn't blog often but I like it when she does. She is inspiring and working hard to get to a healthy weight. This chic can do cross fit ok, she has most of us beat!

Hope your week has gone by quicker than mine, pretty sure I am on my fourth Monday this week. Bring it on weekend!

Things

• So my back hurts all the time. Constant, achey lower back sucks.  I feel 90.   We have been sleeping on John's bed from college since we got married.  Eew guys, a hot guys bed. from college.  I don't even want to think about all of the little "things" on it. Anyway, gross.  So when my back began hurting I started whining. Naturally.  It took me a good 2 years of "needing" a king sized, better bed to even convince him that we could look.  See beds are expensive, and we are cheap.  Nonetheless we went a few days before Christmas and test drove/layed on some beds.  I got on a Tempur-Pedic Allura bed and my life changed, in the ten minutes I was on that bed my life was literally changed.  But lets get real, them bitches ain't cheap (like my husband) and we were just "looking."  We decided to shop around.  So we went home and wouldn't ya know, after 3 hours of "shopping" around (nowhere) husband told me Merry Christmas and go buy the bed! So I did. And it's great.  ONLY complaint? You have to "knead" the bed for like, a month, to get it to feel as good as the floor model that has been laid on by a bunch of dirty college mattress people, so yeah, my back still hurts, but since Mattress Firm is awesome we have a full three hundred and sixty five (365) days to take that sucka back and get a FULL refund.  Please believe we will make our decision on day 364.  Wish us luck.

• Remember this post where I talked about Scarlet having a cough for 39 days? Well she still has it, and we have been to the doctor twice. What do I do guys?

• I have been really wanting to go to a gym or Cross Fit or something but I am full of excuses. Money, time, laziness.  Anyone do any workout videos that are effective and won't make me die?  I will cut you if you say P90X.

• I have a slight addiction to coffee nips, the candy.  They are 30 calories a piece.  I have consumed no less than 270 of my daily calories from these.  See above.

• I want to paint or draw a silhouette of Scarlet (or get one of these necklaces) so I snapped a few pics of her sweet face :)

• Scarlet, myself, and my MIL met some friends at a bounce house place.  She chose to wear her Phish Summer Tour shirt like mine, so I hippied her out.  Her 2.5 year old self is hilarious.  She spelled her name in the bath tub last night.  She is growing up to fast.

•  This is the first "real" thing she has ever drawn.  I didn't know kids could draw stuff this young? She is definitely left handed and drew this dude.  According to her that halo is his hair, and the penis looking thing is his tail, which to her, is what she saw when her dad was getting out of the shower.  His tail.  At least she is being anatomically correct?

So that's all I got for now, this week has been the longest ever and I am ready for the weekend.  My MIL is taking the babe while John goes hunting so I fully intend to get a massage, go out to eat with friends, and just laze around.  What are ya'lls plans?

Give me a break!

Guys, how is your year going?  We are still kicking over here but I need some help.  I need to know if 2 year olds whine forever.  I need to know if it is normal for me to want to slap a toddler. (kidding...sort of).

Everyday when I get off of work I am so excited to go pick up my child. I haven't seen her in 10 hours, I want to go home. I want to snuggle her, watch Diego, tickle her, have a tea party and play.  It doesn't work like this guys.  My first daily mistake is picking her up.  "But I wanted Daddy to come get meeeeeeee." We don't make it to the car before I have done something to cause enough angst in her that results in whining for the remainder of the day.  The simple fact that I zipped her coat instead of allowing her to is enough to set the mood, and that mood is disaster.

It is so. fucking. exhausting.

I am tired.

Every morning, after I get ready for work, carefully pick out her clothes, pour a cup of juice & cereal for the car, I go to wake her up.  Every morning, without fail, I do something wrong.  I picked her lovey out but she wanted to, I unzip her pajama's but she wanted to, I flush the toilet and... you get where this is going.  Lets get dressed shall we?  Oh this purple polo you are wearing today, this THIRTY DOLLAR SHIRT you had to have because it looks like Daddy's, hurts you?  Really? Enlighten me.  Your 3T jeans are too tight? That's funny, I can see your ass crack when you walk because i have the adjustable waist undone because you said they are too tight.  Oh you wanted to watch Diego this morning for the 5 minutes it takes me to get you dressed and not The Wiggles, my bad.  A side ponytail isn't good for you today because even seeing a hair brush hurts your head?  Well fuck it then, lets just go like this with a snot nest in your hair.  What was I thinking giving you the green frog cup?! Damn-it I should have picked blue, I am so sorry.  Lets go, lets go, oh crap I so shouldn't have buckled your car seat, I forgot that you are totally capable of getting yourself safely to school.

So. fucking. exhausting.

I love my girl.  I really do.  But I want to enjoy my time with her.  I am tired of everything being a chore, a deal, a whine fest.    How long does this last?  Any advice on how to curb the constant "end of the world" melt downs?

So that is it around here.  Just walking (quickly) on egg shells, to the beer fridge, trying to get through another season.